When I wrote this draft before, I had it as a post where I was venting about how I felt. This was before the events of “Conflict multiplied.” Here is an excerpt from the draft: “My oldest sister has consistently, over the past 6-7 years, made it clear to me that the only thing that is important to her is ‘her family’. Specifically, I am not important. There was a time when she attempted to rekindle our relationship, but recently even that’s gone.”
In this post, I will discuss our relationship, share my thoughts on the situation, explore whether my feelings were valid, and discuss what to expect in the future. Let’s dive in and talk about it!
As I mentioned in past posts, I have two older sisters. To avoid saying “my sister” a lot, for this post, let’s call the older one Jen and the younger one Kim. Jen is 9 years older than me, while Kim is 6 years older than me. Because of the significant age difference, we didn’t have a typical sibling relationship. As I mentioned in “Spectator to My Life“, our relationship was almost like parent and child. My parents worked the 2nd shift, so my sisters would take care of me when I got home from school. They ensured I finished my homework, had dinner, and even allowed time to play games before bedtime. Since my parents spoke little English, Jen attended my parent-teacher conferences.
In typical sibling relationships, I noticed that there is usually an equal standing between siblings. You can fight, argue, and seek advice from each other, but ultimately, you are your own person. I’m not sure if it was because of the cultural aspect of filial piety or our significant age gap, but it seemed like Jen and Kim were much older and wiser. There was a predetermined hierarchy.
After Jen’s wedding, we returned to America, but her husband had to stay in India until his visa was approved. As a result, our relationship dynamic remained unchanged for some time. She continued telling me what to do and viewed any decision I made as her little brother’s immature/childish antics. During that time, it was “business as usual” between Jen and me.
However, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. I’m kidding.
Once her husband arrived in America, they found their own place. The quality of our relationships largely depends on how often we see or communicate with each other. When Jen moved an hour away from home, it didn’t help our relationship. We had fewer opportunities to spend time together, and neither of us made much of an effort to stay in touch. Occasionally, she would call my mom and use those moments to ask her how I was doing. I had assumed the role of the younger brother who was taken care of, and it didn’t occur to me to reach out. Always following instructions without question has the side effect of letting things happen without taking action. When our relationship suffered, I did nothing. So, I was equally to blame for letting our relationship suffer.
During this time, my sister changed a lot. I believe that part of this change was because her priorities had changed. In the past, when she would tell me what to do, I knew it was because she believed that was best for me. Over time, it became harder for me to convince myself that was true. She would prioritize her husband above everything else. Although I understood her choice, it created a divide between us.
The sudden change in her surprised a lot of us. I don’t expect her to put her husband last in her priorities. That’s not the point of what I’m writing. However, it felt to me like her husband was priority number 1 and the rest of us didn’t make the list. It’s very difficult for someone to be important to you if, to them, you’re irrelevant. The relationship we had fostered for over eighteen years had suddenly lost all value. I’ll expand on this in a separate post, but around this time, she had also separated from the family. Her husband was upset about something that now seems silly and they visited the family less. They either stopped coming to family parties or rarely attended them. Our relationship with him affected our relationship with her, which affected our relationship with him. It became a negative spiral that became worse and worse.
Part of why this change hit me so hard was because this person was very new in our lives. I don’t recall if she talked to him for even a year. I think I only talked to him once or twice for a couple of minutes. It was hard for me to comprehend how someone could value a brand-new relationship over one they had for almost two decades. However, I now understand that what she was looking at was the future length of her relationship. Even though she only knew him for a year, this guy would be her lifelong partner.
I feel that our relationship is much better now than it was in the past 6-7 years. I accept she will prioritize her husband. It’s a little easier for me to understand that now than back then. Like I said, back then she had only known him for maybe a few months. It felt weird that the relationship we had for 17 (almost 18) years meant nothing to her. Obviously, she felt a connection with him since they got married. She saw the future length of their relationship while I only saw the present, if that makes sense.
I understand that a lot of what I was feeling back then was just my own thoughts. When you sit and think about something for a while, the negatives end up festering.
Are my feelings valid? I believe that my past feelings were valid. Sure, there was a lot I could’ve/should’ve done to save the relationship and prevent issues from piling up. However, I think I should be kinder to myself considering the obstacles I faced. I didn’t want to cause any problems, so I often ignored issues that only affected me. Whenever I reached my limit and wanted to speak out, my mom or Kim would tell me not to. It helped that I have a habit of avoiding conflict where possible. When there were issues that affected her or, more importantly, her husband, she wouldn’t ignore them. She was much better at addressing problems that affected them and didn’t shy away from conflict (almost to a fault). We made it easy when we allowed them to win every confrontation.
In 2022, I tried my best to call her once a week or once every two weeks. I had a nagging feeling that she’d never be the one to call me first. I expressed this to her at the end of the year. After we talked for a bit, I felt I should be a bit more understanding that life happens. Some weeks might be busier than others. The ability to be flexible is much more important in any relationship than having a rigid and strict schedule. Just because the other person doesn’t call you first doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy talking to you. Following that, she has taken the initiative to call me more, and that increased communication has helped our relationship.
I’m trying to keep our relationship solid now. I believe we are both sincerely trying to maintain our relationship. Perhaps we can work to have a more sustainable relationship, rather than trying to get back to how things used to be. One that fits our current lives and is beneficial to both of us.
Going forward, we should understand that we’re both adults now. The relationship we had as children will never be there. Which is a good thing! In the past, I mourned the loss of our relationship. We didn’t have the opportunity for a typical sibling relationship. Life changes and it’s important to change with it. I hope we can be respectful of these changes. I hope I mature a bit more. While I’ve matured a lot over the years, I hope I can continue to learn and grow. There’s a lot I can improve upon!
Sometimes other things will take priority. That’s fine! It just means that I need to know when to dial it back a bit. Rather than putting 120 into a relationship, maybe you only need to both put in 60% to be happy. Take a breather. Relax.
Jen and my relationship was rocky and is now beginning to heal. Despite that, I still care a lot about my sister. Both of my sisters are very important to me, and I’ll be there for them if they need me. When our relationship was strained, it may have seemed like I was keeping my distance. I wanted to be close enough to support them, but far enough to protect myself.
Thank you for stopping by and reading. If you’re new here, welcome!
Please consider following the blog with your WordPress account or by signing up with your email!
You can also follow me on Twitter for updates when I post: @TheRealNaikage
I'll Stay Indoors 